This is to help me connect the dots that are scattered throughout my life and hopefully organize my thoughts a bit so that I can share my testimony in an orderly fashion.
Sometimes You Just Don’t Have A Good Enough Reason
I have always been a kid who wanted to help out others. I think God put that piece of kindness in my heart. There were moments when I learned that not all kindness is returned with kindness. There were difficult moments. They were hard to swallow because it made me to believe that to survive in this world, I also need to learn how to be unkind.
And there were times when your kindness is simply rejected. This is also a discouraging instance but at least, I would not feel so betrayed by the world.
And there were times when you are offered a kindness from unexpected places. These are pleasant moments but as I grew older, I learned to behave in illogical manners such as the instances I listed above. There were times I deliberately ‘paid’ back unkindly to ‘show’ the person who showed me kindness how ruthless the world is and how they aren’t truly ‘selfless’ in the core. There were times I absolutely resisted to receive kindness because I’m a big girl – I do not need your kind gesture. In retro respect, I humbly confess how arrogant I was in both instances and ask those who got hurt by my action for a forgiveness.
The reason I am talking about this is because sometimes people show kindness for no reason. There is a reason, of course, but I know not everyone will agree with it. I reasoned the reason why sometimes people show kindness without any reason or string attached is simply because we are all images of God. And God is kind. Everyone possesses this inherent kindness in their heart. Sometimes, the light is very faint and sometimes, it is burning with fire.
I think this is why I have been so keen on this abstract idea of going to the Middle East to help the women and the children ever since I was in middle school. This formless thought did begin that early. I do not exactly remember what triggered it. I just remember being so tired of people talking about Africa needing help. In my head, I was thinking, what about the Middle East? why don’t people care about them? I don’t know how much I actually knew about the Middle East then but I had this strong desire to somehow serve in the Middle East. It was very broad. I never thought deeply about in what forms it would be accomplished. I just knew that this is the people group that I want to show kindness without any good reason.
Maybe I occasionally prayed for them. I tried to read more about them – since I liked reading much more then than now. But whatever I did did not last for a long time because the reality was that I was a student who had to study for college. The chance of me doing something in the Middle East seemed slim. I wanted to study science and math. I wished I could study abroad like my sister did in China. I just had vague ideas, vague plans and vague hope that God will somehow work everything together for my good and His Kingdom.
And slowly but surely, this vague plan was getting buried deep in my heart. I was going through one of the darkest time of my life then. It was a time when I could not see beyond my own problems and my family’s problem. I regarded my life to be worthless – so the shorter the better. Once I was thinking about the whole world and all of a sudden, it shrank down to me, myself and I. I had no help. Thankfully, God did not leave me alone. He made me look back to Him and He used my ‘silliness’ to save my life.
I was foolish enough to believe that I made a ‘deal’ with God. Even though I was foolish, I was no fool because I had known that God is good and God is faithful. I had no doubt in my heart that God will honor my request.
The request was simple. Use me for whatever and let me die when I am 27 but take care of my family afterwards. So, two things are clear from this request: being a Christian was a serious matter to me even at the age of 12, and sacrificing myself for the family was not a problem.
God is honoring my request – because He is a faithful God. He does not forget what I said in my despair. Jordan will be a death of me. I do not know whether it is physical or spiritual but I do know that that death is no end. I will be born again.
Praise the Lord who is faithful, who is gentle and kind! He does not disregard a prayer of the desperate 12-year-old girl. He remembers you. He remembered me.